Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Everyone says I win the strip club
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize