I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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