If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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