I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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