No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
