Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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