this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
