walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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