peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
