I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
