Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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