Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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