Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
