yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just forgot I was standing up.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
