Whatcha textin bout Willis?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Randomize
