I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
