It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
