No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
