and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize