the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
