fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
did i just pee glitter
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
