I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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