I accidentally burped into my bong.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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