I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
