uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
