I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
