my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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