you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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