You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
