Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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