I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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