My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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