i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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