My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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