If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
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