If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
we're so committed to being not committed
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