sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize