awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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