yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My balls are so social today.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
