I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
