My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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