Having a random hookup so left but love u
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
