my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
