we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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