Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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