I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
