I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
