I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
