There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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