wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
