i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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