threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
