I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
