I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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