and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
