exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
