the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
You're like the curious george of whores
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize