Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
