She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
