so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
