I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
