ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
