You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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